Getting Hit by the Crazy Train

9:30 pm

86/65 85 bpm (standing)

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me a third time - GET HIT BY THE CRAZY TRAIN!

I've gotten to a place where I've minimalized stress in my life as much as I can control. I've had to, because of intractable (constant) migraines. Stress doesn't cause migraines, but it makes them hurt a lot more. So, when the dysauto and the monkeys came, I was in a pretty good place.

I have a great family and friends who are nothing but loving and supportive. I love my job, and even when that gets tense, it's still fun and more manageable than any position I've ever had before. And my co-workers are the best (more on the one exception later).

I go to the gym 4 times a week which goes a long way to keep the stress level down. Even if I'm a dizzy, tired hot mess, I'll still get on the recumbent bike and pedal for an hour while watching tv or reading a book on my Kindle.

I always give myself plenty of time to get ready for work or anywhere else I have to go. And now that I have to drink a ton of water (and then pee numerous times) before I can get out the door, I wake up even earlier. Rushing is gone from my vocabulary now. You want to see a bumbling idiot, try to hurry me. Between the adrenaline rush and the brain fog that occurs, I just melt down.

I plan ahead as much as possible: make my lunch the night before, figure out what I'm going to wear the next day, and don't let things build up and become unmanageable.

Minimizing stress, when you have dysautonomia, is critical. Because the "fight or flight" chemicals shoot through my body every time I stand up, or exert myself, making me that much more exhausted. Because my low blood pressure makes me feel tired all the time. Because adding stress to the mix adds the final knock-out punch, I must avoid stress.

But you know there is always that one person at work who is going to hit you like a crazy train. And she's hit me two weeks in a row now. And I am NOT going to let it happen again! For the record, this person has problems with everyone and for the life of me, I don't know why she is still there. She is crappy at her job and she has no people skills. She was a bad hire by a previous employee. I have tried working with her numerous times but now I give up. Now it's about self-preservation.

It takes a lot for me to shut a person out. And I've given this person 2 years of my time, patience and forgiveness. But after these past two incidences, I realize that she's a stress trigger and I need to minimize her impact on my existence at work. Unfortunately, I have to deal with her, so this is going to be tricky.

This past Friday, a normal, friendly, work-related discussion escalated into her shouting at me within 2 minutes. I didn't even realize what was happening before it ended up with her, my boss, and myself talking it out (her, shouting it out) behind closed doors.

I'm an adult. I don't need my boss to act as mediator because some crazy train went off the rails. It was embarrassing and humiliating. But the worst part, and the part I'm really concerned with, is what it did to me physically.

Even after taking an Ativan, for the rest of the day, I felt like I'd stuck my fingers in an electrical socket. I felt constant waves of adrenaline pulsing through my body. And nothing could stop it. Even hours after the incident, when I was no longer thinking about it, my body was still reacting. It was a terrible, ragged out, electrical, exhausting, speedy feeling that left me exhausted for the next two days.

This is a nasty monkey. It's like driving a motorcycle and starting out in low gear, then shifting to first, second, third, forth and getting stuck there and being unable to downshift. My body couldn't unring the bell. The autonomic nervous system rules the "fight or flight" response and once that kicks in for me, it doesn't listen to me when I tell it the threat has passed.

So I must watch out for this crazy train. My first line of defense will be avoidance. And when I have to deal with her, my second line of defense with be professionalism. She will get Professional Barbie only. No chit chat, no how was your weekend. And my third line of defense will be 'alert and ready to run'. If I see the crazy train headlights flashing, I will start to walk away. If no one else will deal with her there is no reason that I have to.

Again, it's not my nature to be unfriendly to people, but my health comes first. Writing this has been stressful because I don't even like to think about it. But I have to have a game plan when I go in tomorrow. And I think giving up on her, no longer complaining about her, or trying to help her, will unburden me. She's no longer my responsibility. I'll avoid her and when I can't, it'll be just the facts, ma'am. And if she comes at me, I'll walk away.

Hopefully, this will work and the crazy train will move on to the next station.