Emotional Rescue

9:45 pm

75/57 101 bpm (standing)

It hit me like a pile of bricks smashing down on my body tonight. It has been building for days and it finally landed on me: I can't get off this carousel. Another metaphor: Every morning, day and night I fill a pool up with water, then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I go to the pool and it is empty. And I fill it back up again. And on and on and on. The damn pool never holds the water over to the next day.

Well, I am tired of filling the pool with water and I'm tired of spinning around on the carousel, it's making me dizzy and giving me a headache. But I don't know how to get off. I just know I want off.

The emotional drain of waking up every day with varying degrees of pain from the migraines while trying to stay on my feet without passing out has. gotten. old. It is making me an emotional wreck. All the medications are making me an emotional wreck. Where am I? Hello? Are you in there anymore?

What do you even want anymore? The thought of having a relationship, always a minefield in the best of health, scares the living crap out of me now. I probably wouldn't even remember his name.

And the job? I won't even go into that, but let's just say I keep playing the lottery...

The absolute worst part, the part that is killing my soul right now, is that I try, every day to overcome the pain, the dizzyness, all the symptoms, and I even have some success. And for some reason, my mind thinks ok, then that means they won't come back, right?, I've won. But then I go to sleep and the sun comes up and I wake up and I feel the burning in my head again, and I stand up and I feel like I'm walking along the side of a high cliff. And I know I have to take the damn medication and drink the glasses of water, and eat some salt, in order to leave the apartment-again. And I know it's going to take two hours before my head feels human-again...

Why won't it all just go away? I want out of this body that is holding me back from doing and feeling so many things. And to make it just a little bit worse, no one can understand this but me.